I remember standing outside the thatched roof open air yoga hut by my motorbike with keys in hand in Ubud, Bali with tears in my eyes and so much frustration my fists were in balls. I made a commitment to my inner child that wanted to live in a different world.

And… that was one of the best commitments I feel I’ve ever made to myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about feelings.  About the incredible capacity we, as humans, have to feel a huge spectrum of emotions.  One of the things that I have found to be surprisingly similar in my studies of Buddhism and Tantra is that the ultimate intention is to be able to be incredibly present with ANYthing that arises and embrace and welcome it fully. In Tantra, I have found for myself, there is also an emphasis on being able to fully express these emotions in an embodied and powerful way instead of just simply feeling them and allowing them.  While Tantra and Buddhism are quite fundamentally different in many ways, I appreciate how they connect here - with embracing and allowing every part of our humanness with a sense of curiosity, allowing and care.

This past week, I’ve gotten the reflection both from a close friend and also my therapist that attachment “stuff” stretches us more than most things.  One of them said she doesn’t know much else in life that is harder to be with when it’s up. I felt so validated when I heard that. For days I’d been doing that old thing I have a habit of doing to myself where I tell myself the story that others navigate these things so much easier.  That it’s something I’m doing wrong. That when I’m feeling my fears and insecurities and sadness arise around the dynamics of my relationships that I should be feeling something different. That I should be past this by now.

I’ve got to be honest with you.  This week has been a hell of a week.  I read so many emails from coaches and therapists who sound enlightened and like they’ve surely got it all figured out and I wonder to myself… is this person for real?  I often wonder if that’s what people want when they’re reading blogs and newsletters… it can’t possibly be. In times like this when I feel my heart is breaking or I’ve been sucker punched in the gut or my body isn’t working the way I want it to and I feel oh so tired of having to care for it double-time, I have days where I want to curl up in a ball and cry it all away.  Well… not just want… where I do.