Let's be real
I’ve got to be honest with you. This week has been a hell of a week. I read so many emails from coaches and therapists who sound enlightened and like they’ve surely got it all figured out and I wonder to myself… is this person for real? I often wonder if that’s what people want when they’re reading blogs and newsletters… it can’t possibly be. In times like this when I feel my heart is breaking or I’ve been sucker punched in the gut or my body isn’t working the way I want it to and I feel oh so tired of having to care for it double-time, I have days where I want to curl up in a ball and cry it all away. Well… not just want… where I do.
Sometimes life can be too much. I don’t believe that old saying that “we never get more than we can handle”... I think we do. And we shouldn’t have to handle it alone. I believe when it’s hard that it’s part of this human experience and it’s how we’re with the hard that matters. And for me, I used to isolate myself and hide for days. Or honestly… months. Not realizing that there are others out there that might like to be by my side as I’m working this out… even if they have NO idea how to fix it for me (honestly, I prefer they don’t even try).
Making that shift from pulling in and hiding to reaching out even when it feels embarassing or awkward or weak or ugly has been a rough ride. Because I’m wired to believe that others don’t have the capacity for me and all my stuff… that it’s too much… that I’m a burden… that people go away when I share authentically… that they could do it for everyone else except for me. That shift I’ve had to SERIOUSLY work for… it’s been uncomfortable, it’s been eye opening, it’s pushed against every defense mechanism I’ve had. Because that’s how I survived… I survived by doing it all myself. I survived by pushing through instead of melting into the support of others. I survived by not letting people in because the people around me when I was younger were not necessarily very safe people to hold me and hear me and empathize with me. But at some point… that wasn’t working for me anymore.
I was lonely. My life wasn’t as rich as I wanted it to be. I felt exhausted by relationships yet I longed for them. And I knew I had to learn how to lean in and to not keep it all together. Don’t get me wrong… I have gratefully had therapists for a very long time. But it took me DECADES to learn how to let them in and to be really real with them. To fully reveal the places I felt afraid or insecure or where I was struggling… especially in the space between the two of us… client and therapist (what comes up between us often reflected the outside world… that’s why I love working relationally both as a client and a coach/therapist). It felt like it took forever to believe and trust that someone actually could hold the depth of me… fears and celebrations… and truly see me, feel me and want to be there with me in it.
It’s been through this experience of little by little, letting people in and getting to see that there were parts of it that could actually feel good… that I have begun to trust and know that for me… this IS the way towards freedom.
Freedom for me is to be able to stay connected to a sense of care inside and out even when storms arise and pass. It comes from love… truly. It comes from actually wanting to stay… probably for the first time in my life… to see what’s on the other side. It comes from loving myself and what I want for myself and my life enough to keep moving through the uncomfortable and unpleasant parts. Because by now I have learned that it is worth it. And it feels so much better with company.
I’m writing this to you because I want you to know how much I have grown and learned from this experience of what I call co-regulation… it has been the biggest step of my own healing and I want this for you too. I want to remind you in this time if you’re feeling any of what I’m sharing that it’s possible for you too. I had no idea that if I was having one of those days where things just felt like WAY too much that I could call a friend or someone supporting me in my life and just let them know it’s too much and I need a squeeze. I need a hand to hold. An ear to listen (without trying to fix or figure out). And I want you to know if that sounds scary to you… it sounded like death to me… and not that long ago.
These days… when I have an “I just can’t do this” kind of day… it feels incredibly awful. I get reactive. I get so so sad. I panic. AND there’s a part of me that knows it will pass. That part is GOLD and is coming more and more into the front of my knowing. I do my best to reach out for love and support from those I trust and internalize their care and their knowing and that’s how I stay connected to it more and more over time. And… it passes in hours or days instead of weeks or months and to me… that is human, healthy, real and important.
Because let’s be real… we’re all in a healing PROCESS… even those of us who are helping others in their process. It’s a practice and a cyclical experience. And it can be so beautiful in the company of another when we can choose to let them in… even if only a little.