It’s not bullsh*t or garbage

Coaches and therapists… when I see some of you saying things to your clients like “are you tired of your own bullsh*t?” or I hear you supporting your clients believing their emotions, beliefs or experiences are “garbage”... I notice I feel my whole body contract.  My eyes get narrow in a questioning way. And I feel sadness and frustration come over me.

Calling people’s inner experience and ways of moving through life (no matter how functional or dysfunctional) garbage or bullsh*t doesn’t acknowledge the incredible ways people have learned how to cope and survive.  It dismisses their humanness and how painful it can be to feel stuck, stressed and in pain. It doesn’t honor the why of how they’re coping and how they’ve developed ways of being and relating. It also very likely perpetuates how they’re already relating to themselves and how others have shamed them or pushed them around “not being healed yet” or “not growing ‘fast enough’” or being better/more/different/enough/you name it.

When I first was certified as a coach in ‘06, or ‘07 one of the things that I learned that shifted my whole life was that behind every behavior, there is a positive intention.  And while sometimes the behaviors (or beliefs) are not working so well for us to feel great in our lives, at the core is always a part of us that truly wants something good for us - like love, safety or belonging.  And then when I got my master’s in psychotherapy, this all clicked into place and helped me understand in a thousand ways how we learned how to do what we do and there’s so much going on under the surface it’s nearly impossible to see it… until we do.

If we can slow down enough and create enough space within ourselves and in our sessions to relate to what’s coming up for our clients and truly embrace the wisdom of what their systems are trying to do… and honor that there is, in fact, something functional and wise and good (instead of being garbage-like or bullshit), something magical can happen.

Our clients can, in turn, begin embracing these parts of themselves in new ways (and even sometimes gratitude organically arises) and new inner relationships are formed.  More kind and empowered beliefs naturally emerge when we embrace instead of fight the things in us that we’re at war with.

Instead of guiding people to get rid of/let go/sever ties with their old ways of being, we can model for them a type of presence, acceptance and space where there is massive capacity to allow all that arises.  When people are open to relating to their humanness, tenderness and vulnerability in these ways and we model that for and with them… a type of inner connection and empowerment can be uncovered - free from violence, agenda and pushing.  Free from an attitude of fixing or figuring out.

Because let’s be real… most of us have encountered enough of that in our lives.  This is what distinguishes well trained/high integrity coaches and therapists from the others.  This is all the difference between guiding our clients from a secure place vs. an insecure place.  What we need is more and more people willing to sit with us who are grounded in themselves and clear enough to know and trust that what we’ve been struggling with makes so much sense and there’s an incredible wisdom to it.

If you happen to be reading this and you ARE, in fact a coach or therapist and you know me at all… you’re probably here because you already resonate with this so much and you’re excited about more and more healers and feelers in the world offering this type of care.

Begin asking yourself wherever you notice yourself faced with client’s “stuff” that you might have previously thought was “negative” or “garbage” or “bullshit” and wonder to yourself… “might there be a positive intention underneath this somewhere?” (key: it’s likely very unconscious - you can’t just ask them directly) and… “Is there something in this behavior or way of thinking that might be trying to do that is helpful in some way?”.  And, if you’re not a coach or therapist...notice how you can turn your attention towards yourself in this kind of curious and open way and let me know what you come to realize.