There’s not much that stretches us more...
This past week, I’ve gotten the reflection both from a close friend and also my therapist that attachment “stuff” stretches us more than most things. One of them said she doesn’t know much else in life that is harder to be with when it’s up. I felt so validated when I heard that. For days I’d been doing that old thing I have a habit of doing to myself where I tell myself the story that others navigate these things so much easier. That it’s something I’m doing wrong. That when I’m feeling my fears and insecurities and sadness arise around the dynamics of my relationships that I should be feeling something different. That I should be past this by now. That I should know better because this is my specialty!
Sometimes I catch myself having this image of myself as a therapist and coach that I think many people in helping professions have of themselves where they believe they need to have 100% healed and be completely equanimous (balanced) and at ease and empowered in their lives… because how else would I be able to help others if I wasn’t? OK, well… this I know not to be true and a great way to miss the point. A great way to dismiss my humanness and to not allow myself to actually feel my feelings, to be open to learning and allowing vulnerability, to reach for support and remind myself that we’re all in a process.
Because as my support system reminds me… THIS stretches so many of us and this is not easy sometimes and in fact for many of us… it’s the hardest work we might ever do in our lives. So what’s different these days is that I stop shaming myself when I find myself reacting and getting overwhelmed. I remind myself that I will get through this. I remember to reach for support from others who are more clear, who have gone before, who can hold my hand when I’m struggling and I do whatever I can do to let love in wherever I can… even when I feel like I can’t find it anywhere.
Especially in the small moments. ESPECIALLY. I pay attention to the light glimmering off the river in front of my as I type. I feel the way my breath continues to breathe life into me even if I don’t feel much like breathing. I remind myself of things that feel lighter and brighter that are part of my life. And I remember that “I am that through which this is passing”. And everytime I notice my mind wants to go into those old stories of not good enough or broken or too much I place a hand on my heart and take a breath and tell myself “this is an imprint”. This is a memory stored in my body and a belief that I stored from something that happened long ago. Right now in this moment, I am safe, I am loved and I belong.
I belong to this river and this sun. I belong to my breath and to my friends Megan and Natalie. And even though things feel so so hard, I belong to my fierce belief that I am HERE for this. I am HERE for me. I am here to wake up. I desire freedom and I KNOW that going through this is the way. And I am NOT leaving. I will sit here with myself as gently as possible until the storm passes and keep loving company to the best of my ability… knowing that it WILL pass because it always does even if it feels like this has been here forever (another imprint).
And whenever my mind spins… I remember that it makes sense that it’s spinning. I get frightened sometimes. I get distressed when there’s uncertainty or a loss or a wobble in the matrix sometimes. I remind myself that it makes SO MUCH sense to be feeling all of this… how could I not given my history? And I let myself feel, knowing that feeling is important. And while I feel I remember to tap into my support and my resources (breath, goodness, flowers, pleasure, river, cozy blankets, exercise, friends, music, sweetness of any kind).
This is what brings me balance when attachment stuff is up. Yes, healing is a process… it’s a FIERCE one that’s not for the faint of heart. It’s a commitment. And it doesn’t mean feeling good all the time. It means coming into a new relationship with our stories, our stress, our suffering and our tender hearts. And through that new relationship, freedom is more and more available.
This is how I work with myself and this is how I work with others. And I am deeply honored to do so.
May we all be happy, healthy, safe and at ease in our lives. And when we can’t be… may we lean into those that can help us get there.