I dare you to give yourself this experience. I double-dare you.
I woke up the other morning and a memory popped to mind. It took me back to a meditation group I used to attend… a group of peers… so passionate about Buddhism and so young. It was like we were competitive meditators. Always learning new things from retreat and bringing it back to our group and facilitating them to each other as we messily explored what we were so passionate about. We were ON to something big… FREEDOM! We wanted to share it far and wide… we were excited, we were righteous and we all wanted to be the best at it. Haha this is how I had fun with my friends.
I remember one group very specifically. One of the guys wanted to have a staring contest. OK no, that’s not really what he wanted to do but that’s sure what it felt like. These days in the “conscious” world we call it “eye gazing”. If you really knew me, you’d know I look like I want to throw a pan across the room every time someone mentions eye gazing. I get all red in the face and tense in my shoulders and lock jaw and uncomfortable. My sense is because something got really triggered for me in that group and I still carry a body memory from it. My other sense is that it felt so overwhelming and intense back then because I was carrying so much attachment trauma from my childhood and I just got pushed over my limit trying so hard to “do it right” and “not look vulnerable” in front of my group of peers. Which is what happens A LOT. I mean… so much.
We decided we’d meditate for like 20 minutes while staring at each other “mindfully” while the rest of the group held space around us (aka “watched). And we traded off for an hour or so until everyone was finished. I remember how tense I was. I remember not breathing. I remember how fiercely my eyes wanted to shut and I wouldn’t let them. I remember feeling infinitely exhausted like my whole body wanted to shut down and sleep forever. I remember feeling scared others would judge me if I blinked or didn’t look compassionate or did it “wrong” in the thousands of ways I could fail. Everything felt loud and amplified inside and out. This was supposed to be good for us???!!!
You get the picture… without trauma awareness, we didn’t know that we were retraumatizing ourselves (or at least… me). We didn’t understand that building a quick false intimacy can be incredibly dysregulating and destabilizing. We didn’t know that not trusting the wisdom of the body and it’s desire to have eyes closed or go to sleep was very important information. We didn’t know that the fear inside me was layers of fright and terror from a little already traumatized one inside of me who learned to push herself and be perfect at all costs. We didn’t know about titration and playing with frequent soft eye contact might be more supportive to our practices and our connection. WE DIDN’T KNOW.
WE DIDN’T KNOW.
Most of us don’t know until we do know. And I’m telling you now… we can ALL benefit from becoming more aware. From knowing more about how our practices and how we facilitate them can impact folks with trauma. From knowing how to offer them in ways that can be nourishing and supportive instead of setting people up to push themselves over the edge to that place where they can’t learn or grow anymore. From knowing how to help people recognize and understand that edge and HONOR it instead of push through it. And knowing why that’s one of THE MOST IMPORTANT things we can know to truly help people heal and grow.
If there is anything that you might be open to learning here… even if you do have the best of intentions… I triple double dare you to sign up today. To share it with your friends, your colleagues and facilitators you know. Because the world needs you. We need your gifts and we need your awareness.
Here’s the link. www.creatingsaferspace.com