An inner child’s revolution coming to life
I remember standing outside the thatched roof open air yoga hut by my motorbike with keys in hand in Ubud, Bali with tears in my eyes and so much frustration my fists were in balls. I remember this moment which was not unlike many others feeling so mad that I had to make a choice to leave the workshop in order to take care of my sensitive nervous system (and very likely my tender and scared inner child). I also can’t sit there and support/witness people offering things that might be quite traumatizing for others who can’t or don’t know how to advocate for themselves.
This breathwork experience I was so looking forward to. I felt I really needed it. I wanted to be around others, I wanted to give myself breath and I wanted to support the new teachers who were practicing their teaching because I love breathwork and had hear this particular school was “one of the good ones”... especially in regards to trauma awareness.
I walked in and was pulled into a hug by several of the people running the workshop. No consent was asked and my body was so tense clearly saying no. The workshop began and there was no orienting to this big intense practice… no letting us know how it might go and how we might take care of ourselves as we breathed like this and stuff came up. No letting us know how we could ask for support or regulate our own nervous systems.
They started the practice telling us to look in each others eyes and breathe loudly together while staring at a stranger - felt like we were pushed into a kind of false intimacy that made my skin crawl and my whole body have an impulse for flight (this didn’t feel safe… it felt like pushing myself past an edge).
When we started the breathing practice I didn’t feel comfortable lying down yet so I stayed sitting because I wanted to feel into my heart and my intention for the session and take a minute to get grounded and present. An assistant came over an touched me without permission and pushed my body down to the ground, insisting I lie down. I said no strongly and stayed sitting. She came back moments later and touched me again and I asked her to not touch me without asking first. She insisted that I close my eyes and start breathing. My whole system went into an impulse for flight again. I started to pack my things feeling like I couldn’t be present anymore. This felt like the most loving thing I could do for myself in the moment.
She came over, touched me again, and grabbed my things and told me no one is allowed to leave (nothing we were told before that moment). I said I need to be in trauma aware spaces in this was not one and I would be leaving. She sent over the main teacher and he came over and told me I was triggered and being resistant. And I looked at him with every ounce of my “trauma teacher” and “compassionate good mom” and named 10 things that happened in a row that were not trauma aware and that I was unwilling to be here for this and he let me go. And then I went out to my motorbike… sad that I was on the outside of an experience and mad that I had to call up my fierce mama once again.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve walked out of workshop experiences sobbing and angry - feeling “ungotten”, pushed beyond my edges, shamed for being sensitive or “reactive”, looked at like I was an alien or a problem, and asked to do things that I didn’t want to do and told that it was my resistance if I didn’t participate.
I can’t even count how many times I wasn’t met in a yoga class, a meditation retreat, a freaking communication workshop!, a breathwork experience with empathy, curiosity, and a general sense of “we’ve got you and all parts of you are welcome here and everything that’s happening makes sense.”
Mostly what I remember over the years is the look in people’s eyes of alarm. When others are alarmed by a response I’m having, it sends me through the roof because then I become alarmed too. It would spin me into shame, fear and isolation… thinking something must be wrong with me. Thinking if others could be getting through this experience seeming “normal”, I must have a huge problem. And this was reflected to me time and time again.
I wanted to live in a world where facilitators could see right through this and drop into a space of presence and kindness (instead of their own insecurity, reactivity and stories). I wanted to live in a world where facilitators were as trained as I was to see trauma and love the hell out of it and know how to meet it with depths of care and steadiness. I wanted to live in a world where I felt safe enough to receive the gifts and incredible modalities that others were offering and trust wholeheartedly that I was going to be honored, guided with skill and that I could bring any hesitations, “no’s” or even challenges to them and I’d be met with a welcomeness.
So in that moment standing outside yet another workshop feeling pissed and enraged that facilitators are unconsciously very possibly retraumatizing the people who need them and their modalities most… I made a commitment to my inner child that wanted to live in the above mentioned world - that I would create a course that made it EASY for facilitators to help folks with trauma feel more safe, welcomed and held. I would let this little inner one design the course with everything she wanted everyone to know so they could “get it” and she could relax.
And… that was one of the best commitments I feel I’ve ever made to myself.
Because I see that it IS helping. I see the insane shifts in facilitator’s experiences after they’ve gone through the course. And I see that it happens right away after just starting the first or second module.
I feel so proud and have tears regularly as I hear how these tools and sharings are impacting people’s lives across the world across dozens of modalities - coaches, therapists, breathwork facilitators, barre instructors, yoga classes, leadership experiences, sound healers and healers of many kinds. I get goosebumps just writing about it.
If you’re curious about Creating Safer Space, you can read more about it here.