Don’t be alarmed. Or do. With so much permission to be how you are.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what happens when we get alarmed in the presence of our own emotions or the presence of others.
One thing that really struck me in a recent trauma training I took was hearing that once we get alarmed, we’ve really lost the connection and any ability to help the client regulate. I have found this to be incredibly true. I am often grateful for my ability and capacity to sit with some of the most intense experiences and stay connected to something inside myself that is grounded and present and compassionate. Yes… it is from years of practice and also from building that capacity having gone through what I went through in my younger years… really having seen and felt so much suffering and pain - it left me not so afraid of some really awful things.
I am EXACTLY ONE MILLION TIMES better at not being alarmed at other people’s emotions and stories than my own. I’m thinking out loud here but I am pretty sure it’s because that is what was taught to me. I was such a sensitive little one (AND let’s be real… I’m now a sensitive older one… that has never changed)... and my emotions were big and raw and my family members seemed to be scared of them… and likely even alarmed at times. And the way they dealt with it was to kind of just back away from me because they didn’t know how to deal with what was in front of them. Which… caused me to become alarmed and distressed. And that stayed with me in my body as a body memory. That this is how we do feelings… this is how I should relate to myself because this is how others are relating. That makes so much sense!OK, it does make sense but it’s not a great way to go through life being alarmed and distressed by one’s own emotions. Do you resonate with any of this or am I hearing crickets?
If you’re anything like me… you’re pretty good at creating a wide open space for others when a lot is coming up for them. You can even feel empathy and let them know it makes sense they’re feeling the way they’re feeling. And… when you turn that care towards yourself… how does it go? Do you tend to not quite know how to relate to yourself when you’re hurting or scared or overwhelmed? How do you cope with it? Do you get alarmed and tell yourself all sorts of stories about how you need to fix it or figure it out or how it’s all hopeless? Do you check out or numb out? Do you shame yourself? Do you do a combination of all of these things?
I ask you these questions because I want you to get really honest with yourself (as I am with you). Where do you need care in your life? Where do you need fierce and radical support? Where are you willing to let people in and see these places where you find you’re not so gentle with yourself?
I’ve been feeling in my heart lately how so many of us haven’t been taught to truly embrace, validate, appreciate and welcome the heck out of every single emotion, expression and experience that arises. I’ve been feeling a lot of grief about it. Looking around in the world seeing how many people are coping and bypassing and not giving themselves the opportunity to find a new way to be with all of it. And seeing how disconnected people get when they don’t have inner and outer layers of support.
This is an encouragement to remind you that when life is arising for you… when something in you is needing incredible care… know that you’re not alone in not knowing how to do it right. Despite all the tools and all the work you’ve done… you’re still aloud to be very human, very messy, very lost, very 1 step forward and 19 steps back… you, my friend, are in a process and an unfolding. And this waking up thing is practice and it takes a village… truly. We cannot do it alone.
If you could imagine one thing that could feel really nourishing today to your heart, your soul and your spirit, no matter what place you find yourself in… what might it be? And can you take some time to explore the possibilities of giving that to yourself? No matter what it might be. Calling a friend and being really real, a walk in nature, a good cry, a new activity you want to explore, writing in your journal, calling a coach or a therapist, signing up for that workshop or retreat, taking 3 minutes with your hand on your heart… these are all things I might think of for myself. What about you?And know that I’m here with you. In spirit and in my dedication to helping more and more people (including myself!) have the biggest permission in the world to be and feel exactly who and how they are in any given moment with deep love and celebration.