Learning to trust myself

This morning I woke up to a blanket of snow outside.  I am SOOOOOOO not ready for this! Definitely clinging to summer and swimming and feeling tan and warm and all of the playfulness and aliveness that comes with that for me.  However, I noticed even when I was clenching at the cold, I naturally paused and took a full breath and took in how beautiful it was. I listened to how quiet it was. And breathed the fresh air into my heart reminding me it would all be ok.

To be honest with you… I tend to brace against the darkness.  If you really knew me, you might be surprised by that. I tend to seem really comfortable there.  It is familiar. I’ve spent a lot of years of my life in the emotional darkness for sure. Now that I have found so much lightness and happiness in my life, I notice how much value I put on feeling good (finally).  Hence, bracing when darkness is looming. Of course I do this! (Ha! Look at me validating my feelings).

So many people love winter.  Me… I love looking at snow, I love warm fires, I love snowboarding and I love cross-country skiing in the full moonlight.  But darkness and cold…. NO THANK YOU! I’ve been in 85+ degrees fahrenheit for over two full years now and it was incredibly healing for my body, mind and spirit.  To be able to relax my body and not contract around the cold for that many months in a row really helped me embed that feeling into my bones. And for that I am grateful.

But I love it here.  This is home. I love my community and how beautiful the nature is here and how grounded and supported I feel.  So… it’s a conscious choice carefully weighed. And likely some good hot holidays mid winter will be helpful.  

I’ve been learning a lot about choices lately.  About learning to listen to what my body is telling me is BEST for me.  I get a lot of ideas about what I SHOULD be doing but when I listen deeply, all the information I need is right here inside of me.  I’ve been studying the nuances of when I breathe less or more when feeling into a decision. And when my shoulders tense or soften… I listen to it.  When my belly feels yucky or relaxed… I listen. And I act. Even if it SEEMS crazy to my brain and logic.

I have been on a journey of learning to trust myself for as long as I can remember.  You see… I was taught not to trust my feelings over and over again. By my family, by society, by myself.  So… learning to do just that has seemed quite threatening and perplexing at times. When I was invalidated and dismissed and not listened to or tended to over and over while having big feelings, I learned that what I was feeling didn’t matter, wasn’t important and was most likely wrong.  

This being able to notice AND trust what my body is saying and then making choices based on it is truly an act of revolution.  And act of love and deep compassion. To show myself that I am worthy of listening to and responding to, even if it doesn’t seem to make sense… is GOLD.

So this winter, I am spending my time in this cold and snowy place rooting down into long term home because my heart is happy here.  Because I feel safe. Because I feel connected to my support inner, outer and all around. Because despite contracting against the cold, I feel the rest of me softening and expanding. 

It’s the discernment and the repeated returning to listen and check in that has really helped me understand how to make wise choices.  It is a daily practice and sometimes it can get messy. But, it’s totally worth it.

Why am I sharing this with you?  Because I imagine if you’ve found me, you might experience some of this in your life.  I want you to know you’re not alone. And that if you’re feeling things, you’re worthy of slowing down and listening to… listening with.  And that it’s absolutely possible to build trust with yourself in this way. And to make choices based on internal information instead of external.  If I can do this… you can.

Here are a few encouragements:

1. Pause.  Take 3 breaths.  Anywhere, anytime, right now if you’re able.

2. Notice with kind awareness (free from judgement).  Notice a variety of sensations in your body. You can notice anything from pleasant to unpleasant to neither.  You can notice sounds, places of tension, space, relaxation, stillness, pressure, lightness, buzzing, movement, tightening, loosening.

3. Say something kind to yourself. “I’m here with you.”... “I’m listening.”... “I’m curious.”... “What’s happening right now, sweetheart?”... “How you feeling, love?”.  (Even if it’s not natural you can fake it til you make it).

4. Notice any emotions present with kind awareness.

5. Most important part… don’t try to figure any of it out or fix anything you find.  The first part of this process is paying attention to yourself. Period. THE SIMPLE ACT OF PAYING ATTENTION IS LOVE.  

This sounds too simple, I know.  It’s the first part of this unfolding of trust.  See what happens when practicing this at least 3 times a day for the next 5 days and let me know.

After this connection grows, you will notice a new inner connection building and from this place, when you have a choice to make… you’ll be so attuned to your inner sensations you can notice what feels expansive and what feels contracting.  Begin to experiment with saying yes to what feel expansive and no to what feels contracting. You’ll gather information and see what happens! And… I’d love to hear about it as always.