Fight for Me - Digging Deeper
If you didn't see my first post from last week titled, "Fight for Me", go back and start there. This is the second part of that where we'll dig deeper into how to identify what you are feeling and why. We'll start with the following questions.
Do you tell yourself that no matter how much you want this flirtation or relationship, it might not actually be the most loving thing in THIS way in THIS moment and maybe you could slow yourself down and see if this IS truly in alignment with your highest desires and wishes for yourself?
Do you express your needs and desires even when you’re afraid you might get rejected, abandoned or judged?
Do you give yourself permission (and encourage yourself) to be your FULL authentic self without wavering based on whether or not others might be pleased with it or turned on by it?
DO YOU FIERCELY SHOW UP FOR YOURSELF AND REMIND YOURSELF YOU MATTER, YOU’RE SPECIAL AND YOU’RE A PRIORITY?
DO YOU TREAT YOURSELF LIKE THE QUEEN OR KING THAT YOU ARE AND REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU'RE WORTHY AND DESERVING OF REVOLUTIONARY LOVE INSIDE & OUT?
If you find yourself wishing others could do this and find time and time again you’re not experiencing it, it’s time to look within. Where are the places where you’re overtly or not so overtly ignoring yourself and not remembering parts of you that need care, love, support, encouragement, attention, celebration and nourishment. Where are you not listening to and validating yourself and your feelings? Is there a little young one hiding in there that could really use some airtime or center stage that you’re ignoring?
These patterns can be so deeply embedded and for very good reasons. Many of us, for many reasons, didn’t get the type of support, encouragement, validation and affection we needed in our developmental years IN THE WAY WE NEEDED IT. This doesn’t mean our parents and primary caregivers were bad or wrong. They may have just not been able to tune in to our particular nervous systems and temperaments because of their own limitations, worldview, traumas, etc. No parent can be a perfect parent.
Many people are looking to find a perfect partner to replace whatever their parents or primary caregivers couldn’t provide them and find themselves disappointed and frustrated and wounded over and over again - reinforcing a negative belief system like: “I’m not lovable as myself” or “I’m broken” or “everyone leaves.”
We can change this mindset and take a step in the direction of creating a healthy dynamic with an actual human partner instead of a perfect one. We do this by turning towards ourselves and embracing the parts of ourselves that didn’t get met as young ones and doing our absolute best to find those blind spots and core wounds and love the hell out of them.
Invite those blind spots / wounds in, welcome them, say hello to them and validate them by saying… “It makes so much sense that you feel this way.” Do this when you’re feeling upset or angry or frustrated that you’re not feeling special or like you matter. Feel your heart soften as you do this if possible.
It is two-fold, though. Folks who are in a perpetual state of not feeling special can have an unconscious tendency to draw partners to themselves who actually don’t treat them very well and care for them in ways where their needs are truly honored in order to reinforce that belief system. Bringing this into conscious awareness is GOLD.
The other part of this is developing internal “good parents / caregivers” who WILL fight for you and set healthy boundaries for you instead of allowing you to just fall in love with anyone that will give you a little bit of love and stand up for the amount you actually deserve.
FIGHTING FOR YOURSELF COMES IN MANY FORMS
Sometimes fighting for yourself means saying yes to someone when you know you’re up against your own insecurity and they’re triggering it. Allow yourself. And sometimes it means saying no when discerning that they’re actually not able to meet you where you want and need to be met. It’s a tricky dance that takes a lot of slowness, listening and inner and outer curiosity.
Here’s what fighting for yourself might look like (in and out of relationship):
Take conscious time to figure out what your own unique core needs and desires are in relationship for your particular nervous system, attachment system and temperment (not to be compared with your friends’ needs / desires).
Be bold enough to say to those you’re in relationship with what you need and desire even if that might mean losing the relationship or losing connection in some way.
Ask questions when you secretly are afraid to know the answers. We create many stories and assumptions around potential partners instead of asking direct questions about whether both people are on the same page or share the same desires or values. It can be scary to be direct because maybe you don’t want to feel like you’re too much or that you’ll have to change your mind and that could be painful. But fighting for yourself means being willing to ask the hard questions so that you can take care of ALL parts of you.
When spiraling and lost in insecurity and anxiety, grab your own hand and saying… “I’m here with you… I see you… I’m not going anywhere no matter what.”
Take care of yourself even if you’re feeling awful - move your body, feed yourself well, go to work, breathing, spend time with friends and tap into your highest self if possible.
Set boundaries internally and externally. Ask yourself, “If I were a really good mom, what would I do right now or what do I need to say right now to make my child feel safe and loved and with a sense of belonging?”.
When you’re not feeling loved, tend to this part of yourself first and then allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to share it.
Say YES to people who are in alignment with your North Star. Does this person help you be more of who you want to be or less? Do they make you feel like the best version of yourself or the worst?
Say NO to people who remind you over and over again that you’re not important and not a priority. Give voice to it early instead of feeling like a victim and heartbroken down the road.
Be willing to walk away when you see red flags and be willing to stay if you’re noticing you’re up against something that’s hard but could truly help you grow.
Ask yourself: “What would love do right now?” (not… “What would lust do right now?”). Follow that over and over again. You might find this is different than the habitual impulsive actions from the past that may feel less exciting, but in the end, it will be more nourishing and honoring of all of you.
Fighting for yourself means fiercely and shamelessly standing up for your heart, your needs and your personal vision so that you can trust yourself on the deepest level, so that you won’t ever leave yourself. No matter what. This creates that inner sense of specialness...the sense of knowing you matter. No one can take that away from you.
When you’re able to do this for yourself, you’ll notice your relationships dramatically change and you’ll feel more and more met by those you care about and vice versa.