Fight for Me
Here are some thoughts I wrote for those of you that struggle with feeling forgotten in relationship or afraid you don’t matter.
This is for those of you that want to feel special and like a priority but find yourself in situations either 1.) dating people who aren’t able to be there and communicate in a way that you need OR 2.) you’re not able to take in their love even when it actually IS more than enough. Or maybe we’ve all been here at some time or another.
In this blog, I’ll share ways to rewire the sense of “enoughness” in yourself....your “specialness” and how to truly fight for the deep experience of knowing in your bones that you ARE loved no matter what because it lives inside you.
From there, you can make wise decisions and set better boundaries around who you share your time and energy with. You’ll be able to give more full yesses and full no’s to what is the most loving thing for YOU in any moment.
**Scroll down (past the image below) to read the rest of the message.
This may resonate with you if are one of those people that perpetually feels dumbfounded standing there with your heart wide open and willing after someone who has been calling for your attention over and over again only to find them not quite as “there” as they seemed before.
You may have found yourself in one (or many) of those moments when someone has pursued you and loved on you and flirted with you and filled you with daydreams and propositions only to be completely perplexed as soon as you DO turn around and say YES with love.
You may find them disappearing, backing off or sinking into the comfort of the relationship thinking they’ve “got you” - while you’re left feeling there raw and vulnerable. You may also be in relationship with someone who you know loves you to the depths but you just can’t quite “feel” them in the way you need to in order to feel loved.
Have you ever sat there in a collapsed panic of grief wondering, “What did I do wrong?” or “What am I missing?” or “Why does my love and my yes seem so scary or too much for others?”or “Why can’t he / she stay when it seems like they’re asking me to stay?” or “Why doesn’t that person continue to FIGHT FOR ME even after I’ve said yes?”.
Or you may experience the flipside where all you can focus on is what THEY’RE doing wrong. In a spin of blame and fear, you are looking for all the ways you perceive them to be falling short - scared that you might say yes to someone who, ultimately, won’t be there for you.
The good news is that so much of this is about how you’re feeling towards yourself... how you’re relating to yourself, and -- in your heart of hearts -- how worthy and deserving you feel of having that kind of connection.
I see it as us letting our younger selves start to run the show when they’re not feeling a sense of safety, love or belonging. Insecurity and fear arises from these little ones in us and we tend to them with our own inner compassion and care.
So many of us think we’re operating as full adults, and the reality is these young wounded parts can be sneaky. If these parts of us didn’t feel prioritized or special... like their parents or caregivers didn’t fight for them when they should have… they can wreak havoc on our adult lives in intimate relationship.
We get confused on where to draw the line between how much we need our partners to let us know we matter and how much of our feelings are an inconsolable wound that we have to deal with on our own. It can feel incredibly confusing trying to figure out what’s true.
We try to get what we didn’t get growing up from people we’re dating or in relationship with. It CAN be BEAUTIFUL to heal in relationship when that’s there, but that’s not possible for everyone. Gratefully, we can also heal so much of it in ourselves by caring for ourselves - doing so can be an incredibly healing and life-altering experience.
DO YOU FIGHT FOR YOURSELF?
...Like a fierce mother would fight for her child when someone was treating them disrespectfully?
...Like a protective father would lovingly yet firmly set healthy boundaries for his beloved child?
This is something to really sit with and reflect on. In my next blog post, I’ll dig deeper into this topic and share reflective questions with you. For now, think about this a bit. Let it wash over you.
Pay attention to the feelings that surfaced for you while you were reading this. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts.